Please let me explain!
Latest BBQ accessories
How to handle a problem neighbour
Forgot something?
Should have gone to bed wearing PJs!
Why did the police stop them?
B ecause she took her helmet off!
The kilt question?
Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”
So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Bob asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Badass Bob asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married’!”
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his ha nds on a rag and said, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic………………………….. “Try doing it with the engine running.”
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, ‘Sean, if I’m not bein too forward, I’d luv to ‘ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could ‘ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable . After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, ‘If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I’m shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand’.
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says ‘Okay’.
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, ‘Cilla, that was wonderful. Sean says, “But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You’ll have to…….”
‘I know Sean. Yer want me to ‘old onto yer bat ‘n balls again. No problem hun’. Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it’s all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks ‘Sean, tell me, dis ‘oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other – does it really stimulate yer that much?’
Sean replies, ‘No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !’
Dave works hard at the plant & spends most of his evenings riding his bike with the boys. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them & says “Hey Dave, how ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled & asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh No,” says Dave. “He works at the plant.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable & says, “you must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.
”No honey, she works at the plant, too.”
A stripper comes over to their table & throws her arms around Dave. “Hi Davey,” she says. “Want your usual table dance?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse & storms out of the club.
Dave follows & spots her getting into a cab. Before she slams the door, he jumps in beside her & she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head & says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
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Two guys fishing and drinking beer.
Pat says, “I am thinking of getting a divorce- the wife hasn’t spoken to me for months.”
Mick replies, “You better think it over Pat – women like that are hard to find!”
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Job advert seen in Manchester Daily Newspaper today:
WELDER WANTED: Job description: To weld roof back onto two double decker buses. Please apply to Manchester United, Old Trafford.
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A man dies and arrives at the pearly gates. “Have you done anything of particular merit? Exhibited courage?” asks St Peter.
”Well I can think of one thing” the man replies. ”Once I came across some nasty bikers bothering a young lady and I asked them to stop! They wouldn’t listen so I approched the biggest meanest looking biker and punched him in the nose, kicked over his Harley Davidson, ripped out his nose ring and told him to get lost!”
St Peter was visibly impressed “When did this happen?” he said.
The man replied “Just a few minutes ago!”
Two old geezers are having a drink and are talking about how successful they have been during their lives. They start arguing about who has the biggest place and property.
Finally after a couple of hours there is no real end to who has what.
One of them says…….I’ll tell you what, I can get on my old Harley at sunrise and ride till sunset and I still wont have reached the end of my property.
The other old biker puts his beer down, looks at his friend, and says………I know just what you mean, I had an old Harley like that once.
A young lad is walking down the street when a man on a motorbike pulls up and says, “Hey kid, I’ll give you a bag of sweets if you hop on the back.” “No” replies the kid and walks on.
The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, “Hey kid, I’ll give you 10 quid if you hop on the back. “NO!” said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.
The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, “OK kid, I’ll give you 20 quid and a BIG bag of sweets if you hop on the back for a ride.”
At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, “Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so you ride it!”
